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08 September 2008

Adventures in Yardwork

An appropriate subtitle for today's post is "Lessons in Stupidity." I was wondering what to say today, or if I should post anything, and it fell right into my lap. Some of you will read this post and think, "Oh, no he di'n't," and some will read it and say, "Dude! I wish I'd been there!" Regardless, I find it ironic that I've ever posted anything at all about wisdom.

This morning I was string-trimming in some thick weeds behind our storage shed, and I hit one of those wire tomato vine stabilizing wire thingies. It was pretty rusty, and I leaned down through the weeds and pulled it and one more out of the ground. I threw them down behind me and I started to pray, "Lord, please keep me from stepping on that rusty wire while I work," and then either God or my common sense said, "C’mon… that's dumb, Dean. Move the wire." So I stopped trimming and put it in the trash.

Score one for wisdom! Yeah!

I kept trimming so I could get to this huge weed-berry-tree thing with purple roots and pull it up without stepping on a snake, and in doing so I had to move our old Rubbermaid trash can out of the way. We haven’t used it in forever. It housed a really old tarp, a bunch of soda cans which probably had fermented cola left in them, a bag with dirty diapers, and miscellaneous paper trash.

Oh yeah… and a wasp nest.

As soon as I rolled the trash can away from the shed, the air filled with a dozen or so wasps, which I thought were behind the trash can high on the wall of the shed (lots of good wasp hiding places in a tin roof). I ran to get the wasp spray, but it only lasted for two shots, neither of which felled a bogey. So I ran inside and grabbed some Lysol (TM)-style disinfectant spray. You need to be aware that it will not kill wasps; don’t bother trying. Also be aware that it's not flammable. That was the next step in my strategy -- the tried-and-true lighter-and-aerosol can plan. When the disinfectant wouldn’t ignite, I ran back inside and snagged a can of hairspray. My daughter wanted to help arm me when she found out why I was so excited, so she gave me a can of glitter hairspray, which turned out to be extremely flammable; even more than our boring adult hairspray. I took the glitter hairspray and a lighter and marched back out to the shed.

I got a couple of them before I realized that the wasp nest was actually in the blue trash can, not on the wall of the shed. There’s a little circular cap on the top of the trash can lid (you can see it in the photo), and it was missing -- that's where the wasps were going in and out. I figured I'd "smoke them out," so I sprayed a pretty good bit of glitter into the hole (no flame – that would be dumb), hoping to get a few of them from the fumes, and then I moved on to shoot them out of the air with the lighter.

A few moments later, a wasp landed on the edge of the trash can. It was a "gimme." That sucker was just sitting there waiting to be flamed. So I edged up to the can, flicked the lighter, and depressed the nozzle. Oh, man, was this ever sweet. And then...

BWHOOOOM!!!!

The trash can lid flew high into the air, along with soda cans and a bag of what appeared later to be dirty diapers. I instinctively dove away, thinking, "Were those cans THAT fermented?!" and before that thought was through my synapses I remembered that I'd sprayed several gallons (or a lot, anyway) of glitter hairspray into the can.

Eyes still wide, I looked at the blackened soft drink cans laying on the ground and the white bag containing a poop diaper, and then I saw the tarp sticking out of the trash can, smoldering and beginning to ignite. I rushed to Hershey the Dog’s pool and picked it up, spilling the water but giving me enough to extinguish the growing flame. Then I poured the rest of the water on the smoldering diaper bag.

As I stood there, thanking God for saving me from a massive amount of foolishness, I looked at the upside-down trash can lid and spied a vacant, slightly-charred wasp nest.

Got 'em!!

All this to say... while I have never done this specific thing before (and most likely will never do it again), the building blocks and lessons were already in place for me to have known just how stupid I was being. How many times have we been given knowledge and wisdom that we ought to be applying but fail to do so because of a little temptation for excitement or fun?

He who disdains instruction despises his own soul,
But he who heeds rebuke gets understanding.
- Proverbs 15:32 (NKJV)

15 comments:

Leroy said...

LOL!!! Dude, I wish I would have been there!! Maybe not...I would have said "do it again!"

Preston N said...

As a fellow member of the male species I can truly appreciate this! As soon as you said you had sprayed hairspray into the trash can - I thought ot myself "Oh no he isn't going to do what I think he is going to do!"

BTW - Don't worry Dude your eyebrows will grow back in a couple of months!!\

Jan said...

i would have NEVER thought to do anything like this?!

Ninfa said...

Wow... sorry all I can come up with is wow.

Melissa said...

I just sat here laughing at my computer while reading this. Someone might have thought I was crazy if they had seen me doing so. I am glad that either Savannah or Cayden contributed to you having a burning pile of poop! LOL!!!

As for the genius of it all, don't feel too alone, Josh did kinda the same thing while trying to light a fire at our old house and burn some weeds and branches. He gouged it all with gasoline because it wouldn't light, and let's just say when he lit it, he had no eyebrows or facial hair for quite awhile. It was hilarious!

Sometimes we all just don't use our brain sometimes, though, and I guess that's okay. That's why I can laugh WITH you...instead of calling you an idiot...oh, maybe I already did that, too!! :) JUST kidding! I think you're super smart!! (and a male..)

Anonymous said...

Dude, I wish I would have been there!! Are you going to be performing... I mean working at the chuch work day on Sat. Please, oh please, say yes!
LOL Deanna

Christy said...

It's a good thing Dwight wasn't there. After all, the firemen are the worst pyromaniacs! I'm glad you didn't get your head blown off.

pcarlisle said...

God forbid something terrible should ever happen to you, but just in case, Can I have your stereo?

Worship Dude said...

You should send this in to SNL! They would probably pay money for a skit like that! =) LOL! I will probably not share this with anyone in Colorado-because they will say, "Sounds like somebody from ALABAMA!!"

JSK

Jan said...

Dean, so now you you are "infamous"?

Lisa said...

I'm struggling with the "most likely will not do this again" comment. Perhaps wisdom is still a little out of reach. Keep reaching friend!

Dean Lusk said...

How weird and unpredictable. The males seem to identify with this story, while the females seem to think it's very entertaining to see a male make a fool of himself.

:)

I almost wish that this had been on film. Then I could have been part of a Bill Engvall show and I could completely earn infamy.

Worship Dude is very gracious for not spreading news of this event outside of the south. We're already fighting stereotypes (for what reason I can't imagine).

Leroy said...

Worship Dude, I've been fortunate in my career to travel the nation (including the BEAUTIFUL state of CO). I guarentee you could quickly find someone in CO that could relate!! Transplants don't count. ;)

Dean, if you'll do it again, I'll video it!!

Anonymous said...

I remember seeing the can when I stopped by...was unforgetable for sure. One question though... I can only hope that the dirty diapers were Savannah's and Cayden's or there is a good chance that Alaina's diapers have been out there for about 8 years! LOL
Lori

Cecily said...

Dean, that was hi-LAR-ious!!!

I'm wiping tears from eyes. :)

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